Thursday, November 17, 2011

Looking Back: A post I didn't realize I was going to write

Today is Ava's 8th birthday. She's been a little under the weather lately, but rallied nicely today to enjoy pancakes and presents for breakfast, cupcakes with her class, and then dinner out with us. She is such a dear heart. I mean don't get me wrong, she can drive one nuts just like any child can, but there is a real sweetness and sensitivity to this little girl. I hope and pray that as her parents, we can help bring out the best in her. She's a good sort.

I remember so vividly the first year of her life. She was a very fussy baby, who would nap in 20 minute intervals in the day for the first several months, and many nights wake every 45 minutes. I mean, 45 minutes on the nose. You could put a cake in the oven and time it based on her wakeups. As a result, I now have a graduate degree in Baby Sleep Science and Strategy. Okay, I don't really, but I should. I studied, read and obsessed over it long enough to earn some type of qualifications! She was just busy--wanted to be up at our eye level all the time, wanted to see what we were seeing, instead of being in the stroller. As a result, I learned how to do everything with her strapped into the Baby Bjorn. Even trying on jeans at The Gap--it can be done!

I realize now, looking back, that I really dealt with some Post Partum Depression issues during those first 5-6 months of her life. (Or Post Natal Depression, as it's known here.) I didn't have any professional/medical intervention, but that was only because I couldn't see that I needed it at the time.

I so loved that sweet, high-need little one. I knew that she was meant for us. And I loved watching Jason come into his own as a father. I wanted to care for her and nurture her. But I was so anxious all the time; I couldn't relax. I was always waiting for her to wake up and cry--well, because usually she was about to! When someone else was holding her, I was bracing myself for when she would start to fuss. My heart would race as I would try to let others help with her. That kind of anxiety for that amount of time takes a toll. It feels like clenching a muscle and never relaxing it. I remember wondering in the first weeks and months when things would feel normal again. When I would be able to read a book and actually concentrate on the storyline, or--and this must sound odd if you haven't been there--do something non-baby and not feel like I'm neglecting her in some way. When I could have a conversation with Jase that didn't involve sleep schedules. To be honest, I was a bit of a mess. I think I hid it well from most people, but it was a struggle for me; accepting and relishing this new season of my life.

I remember when she was about 5 months old, going to meet some friends for dinner one evening. Jason stayed home with Ava. And it struck me as I drove to the restaurant, This is how I used to feel. Normal. Not because I wasn't with her--I had been out on my own prior to this. But it was like a switch flipped in my brain. It's hard to describe, but it was like I realized that I had leveled out again, maybe? Like, oh yeah--I remember this sort of okay-ness. And the remembrance of it made me realize that I hadn't felt that way in awhile. It was like a huge sigh of relief. I know now that it didn't just "happen"--although I didn't get the professional help I probably needed, I had huge support from Jason, my family, and a few close friends.

Heh. You know? This isn't the post I sat down to write. I have some pictures of Grace being goofy at the restaurant tonight that I was also gonna show y'all. But I think I'm going to leave those for later. All this came out instead. Obviously, I don't know who all might run across this post, but maybe someone's in the same shape I was in this time 8 years ago. I hope you'll be encouraged to know that while right now you may feel completely in over your head, the baby grows and so do you. People used to tell me that, and I'd think, "Well your baby outgrew it, but what if mine doesn't?" But she did--of course she did. And now, I can hardly believe that same little baby who was pretty much Bjorn-ed to me 24/7 is now a lanky, sassy-mouthed, sweet 8 year old girl. That indeed happens.

I will say this, though. Whenever one thing gets easier, another thing gets harder! And gosh, I know I've barely scratched the surface of that one--or so my friends with older kids tell me! But in the meantime, here are my rules for surviving with a newborn: 1. Love them; hold them and talk to them even if that doesn't come naturally at first. (It didn't for me--I haven't really told anyone that before. Yikes! But I remember trying to "do" bonding.) 2. Feed them and feed yourself. 3. Get some sleep.

Take that from someone with an honorary degree (self-awarded) in Baby Sleep Science and Strategy. (MA, BSSS)




P.S. For real though, if you'd like to read how a friend of mine coped with and overcame Post Partum (Post Natal) Depression, Deb's story is here. I read it the other day, and man, I think it's gonna help a lot of families.

14 comments:

  1. I loved this post, Amy. I identified a lot with parts of it, and I remember often feeling anxious and really self-doubting with Joy. It was hard to relax and feel all 'natural' as a new mum. I'm sure this post would resonate with any new mums who stumble across it, and remind others like me how lucky we are to have gone through it and grown with our babies! xo

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  2. Happy birthday dear Ava! You are blessed to have awesome parents!
    Great post Amy. " It feels like clenching a muscle and never relaxing it" That was me for a long.....time, way past 5 months I can tell you! :) I got a few forehead wrinkles and a few grey hairs in those first couple of years:)

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  3. This post is a love poem to Ava and very precious. You and Jason are fabulous parents and equip your children well with the attitudes, outlook, and love that will carry them far in life. But I know those early days were difficult with Ava. I remember how she cried. Im sure it was postpartum now, but why did we not see it then? Probably because you minimized what was going on to us. First babies are an ongoing education, and something new is always coming at you. Thankfully, it does get easier. You could add a #4 to your list:this difficult time will pass. Love to the big girl AND you!

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  4. I remember asking you about your feelings when we first came out to Dallas after she was born. I was expecting something about the overwhelming sense of unconditional love, but you said you felt "fierce". Hind-sight being what it is, we should have known to suggest more help for you. All that said, you've done a great job. No surprise there. Love to you all.

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  5. Beautiful post, and something I really needed to see today. Thank you for sharing!

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  6. Wonderful post. I wonder if postpartum depression is correlated with the fussiness of the baby? Ava wasn't easy, I remember. Remember the time I came to see you and we never left your bedroom? She was such a sweet little thing though.

    I didn't have it as bad as you, but I definitely had a period of several weeks where I was like, this is too hard. And I thought everyone felt that way, but since then I've seen people have babies and be totally happy from minute one. It's funny. And then a second baby can be so different from the first.

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  7. Thanks, guys! I think it can be hard/humbling for mothers to admit...that sometimes what's meant to come "naturally" doesn't feel so natural to start with. And Dad, I think I remember telling you that: that I felt fiercely protective of her? I loved her, but I didn't always feel ooey gooey at that stage! ;)

    Becky, I don't know if there's a correlation, but I can sure see how a fussy baby could make it worse. You just feel like you're "doing it wrong" all that time when the baby can't be soothed. I was so, so glad you came and spent that week with me. I have great memories of it, as stressed as I was!

    I think one's experience can be different with each baby...I know mine has been. And yes, for awhile I would try to prepare my pregnant friends and then the baby would come and they'd be TOTALLY fine. And I'd be like, "Oh. Just me, then? Ok." :)

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  8. It's great that you shared this. I might send a link to my cousin, whose baby turns 1 at the end of this month. The psychologist Oliver James has said that the first months with a new baby are the greatest threat to their mental health that most women ever face.

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  9. Totally great post. And I'm sorry to take a very serious and legitimate subject, but when you wrote post-natal, I kept thinking it said post-nasal. I have no idea why. Except that it's funnier. And yeah, those first few months with my girl were wretched. I'm surprised no one offered me medication. Maybe they slipped it into delivered meals or something.

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  10. Thanks, Nina! I'd never heard that quote before...there is a lot of truth to it, I think. Mothering ain't for sissies, that's for sure!

    Julie, I didn't realize your first few months were so tough! I wish I'd known. You made me laugh at the vision of people drugging your food. In some cases, maybe not a bad idea! ;) Post-nasal--ha! I have some of that happening at the mo, and it IS rather depressing, actually. ;)

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  11. The Oliver James book where he talks about that is called "They F*** You Up" (but please don't let the title put you off! It's from the Philip Larkin poem). There are also some excellent words on the struggles of mothering (and many, many other things) in "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" by Christiane Northrup. Every woman should have a copy of that book.

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  12. That is a great post. One thing my daughter's father said to me when she was born (he already had two kids from his previous marriage) was "don't forget she's come to live with us, not us with her". I reminded myself of that quite often when I thought I must be doing it wrong.

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  13. Thanks, Nina! I'll look for those--working with families in the church as we do, I try to have resources with which to help people.

    Thanks for reading, Nancy. It's very true--so important to try to have that perspective in those early months when the world is turned on its ear!

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  14. Awesome post. Stuff many moms don't discuss. I am still working on coming out of the "fog of Gavin". That makes it sound cool, right?!

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