Sunday, November 6, 2011

A Cautionary Tale, Annoyingly Told in the 3rd Person

Once upon a time, a woman went with her family to Disneyland. It was her son's 6th birthday, and the woman and her family were due to return to Australia very soon. They decided to have a big birthday bonanza at The Happiest Place on Earth. And there was much rejoicing.

The family set out. They travelled north on the 5 freeway, they exited on Disney Way, they followed a convoluted route to the remote parking. They unpacked the stroller, they slathered sunscreen on themselves, they took a shuttle bus to the park.

For the first several hours, they had a great time. There was Star Tours, where the 6 year old got to see Darth Vader and C3P0. There was the Snow White Adventures ride. There was the woman's favorite ride at Disneyland, the It's a Small World ride. But as the sun crept higher in the sky, the woman begin to feel uncomfortable. She'd worn jeans that day, you see. A reasonable choice for an October day. Or so she thought.

Because you see, on that day the woman didn't know that southern California would be experiencing an unseasonal heat wave. The day would turn out to be sweltering. And by 12:30, the temperature had crept to about 100F (38C).

And gradually, the woman begin to wilt. Wilt like the delicate, fragile flower that she was. Nothing seemed to help. Ice cold soft drinks, mouse-eared frozen ice cream bars, even the blessed air conditioning of the It's a Small World ride. As she trailed behind her family in the Happiest Place on Earth, the woman couldn't help but imagine peeling off the skinny jeans she'd so foolishly worn and jumping into the pool at the bottom of Splash Mountain.

It should be noted that she is rather sensitive to extreme temperatures. (Being a delicate flower and all.) As she grew hotter, and those jeans began to feel adhered to her legs, she became more and more irritable. Finally, her husband said to her: "You don't look so good. Why don't you go find somewhere to sit down and you can catch up with us later."

She wandered off in search of relief. Barring indecent exposure, what could she do? Up and down Main Street, USA she walked, looking in every gift shop for something she could wear. But alas, it was as if the whole of Disneyland mocked her! There was flannel everywhere! Pluto boxer shorts, Minnie Mouse pajama pants, and--worst of all--Donald Duck sweatpants.

Finally in Frontierland, she found the only thing that would remotely work. But she shrunk back in fear. It was a khaki skort. Oh, the skort. It's not a skirt, it's not shorts...what is it?? Perhaps appropriate for a day on the tennis court or golf course, a skort was not what she'd been hoping for. Plus, being aware of her body type like any savvy girl, she knew that skorts were not quite her Best Look.

But what's a jean-wearing, overheated, Target-less girl to do? With nowhere else to turn and the mercury rising, she decided to fork over the 40 bucks for a khaki skort that she didn't even like. Here's what some say it looked like. (Well, this is what it actually looks like.)

As you can see, her hips are 8 feet wide when wearing it. And there are also embroidered mouse ears. So it has that going for it.

But here is the part that is most awesome. Her self respect in tatters, her cheeks flushed with heat, her jeans tightening by the minute, the woman made her way to the register with the skort clutched in her fevered hand. As the innocent Frontier cash register lady gave her the total, the woman reached into the back pocket of her jeans to get some cash...

...And realized that the money was all damp and sweaty. Is there a delicate way to reference butt sweat? Probably not, so there you go. Now this is happening. As the cashier bagged the skort up, the woman casually waved the money in the air, trying to subtly air it out a bit. Like, la-dee-da, I'm just fanning myself with two $20 bills, just like normal people do all the time, everyday. It didn't help much. The bills were decidedly damp. Oh, the humiliation!

In the end, the woman just handed over the cash and bolted, her head down. She headed straight to the nearest restroom, changed into the skort and felt blessed, cool air on her legs. Which? Were a little hairy. Cause she'd planned to wear jeans that day, you see.

The End.


  1. Not sure whether to laugh or not, oh dear, I felt the heat with you!

  2. You did what a girl has to do in difficult circumstances: you wore the skort. Actually it looks fine on you, and I bet you were cooler in that garment. Jeans are just too hot. I know you all had fun even though you were probably wilted by the end. The image of you giving the damp money to the clerk makes me smile. When do J and G get into Sydney ?

  3. But just think how much use you'll get out of it in the coming Australian summer!

    Or not.

    PS I loved the detail about hairy legs, because that is exactly what would happen to me in that situation.

  4. Oh goodness. Oh my goodness. I applaud your resourcefulness in the moment because obviously you needed relief. But that moment is over.

    Step away from the skort. Donate it to your local league of retired girls' volleyball coaches. Do not, yourself, wear it.

    I say this in love. LOL.

  5. You rocked that skirt babe! Now it is time to let someone else enjoy it.

  6. I have never known a single person to rock a skort well. An impossibility. Although, if we're being honest here, I did try very hard for about 3 years in my teens. But we don't have to talk about that.

  7. Yes, it's time to pass it on. Ha! Maybe I should make it my first blog giveaway! Y'all gone be flocking to win that one! :)

    Jason, thanks but you only say I rocked it because you love me unconditionally. :)

    Liz, yeah I think that there is perhaps a brief window of skort wearing time. And I am way past it.

    Roving Lemon--I'm always caught with bristly legs!! I don't understand how people, like, shave EVERY time they take a shower! ;)

  8. Your "rejoicing" comment totally brought me back to Monty Python and the Holy Grail: "And there was much rejoicing: yaaaaaayyyyy."

  9. Yes, Beth! That's what I was thinking of too. It's about how I felt..."yaaayyy..."