Almost but not quite entirely unlike a brownie.

Jason is out tonight, and as I was doing all the evening pre-kid bedtime activity, I kept telling myself that I was gonna make some brownies after they went to bed. I often make plans for myself after the kids are in bed. It's how I get through that emotionally fragile time between 5:30 and 7:30 in the evening. This may sound nuts to those of you without children. Wow--a brownie date! With myself! Thrilling--truly. I know, it sounds a bit pathetic.

I have been craving chocolate lately, which I am blaming on some recent stresses in my life. Yes, I have been walking Becky through her diagnosis and planning of treatment by eating handfuls of chocolate chips and the occasional peanut butter and honey sandwich. (Or as we say in the South, "sammich".) We all have our roles to play, and I want to be supportive. The day the biopsy results came back, I showed my support by baking cookies. For me. Ostensibly for the kids, but mostly for me.

So at about 4pm today, I decided to bake brownies tonight. But as I mentioned, I am trying to eat better and exercise, so I wanted to find a low calorie brownie recipe. Google, don't fail me now. I found a recipe that uses applesauce and promised 40 calories per serving. (That should have been my first clue. 40 calories is just too good to be true, right?) So after dinner and baths for all three, after cleaning up and a wombat diaper, after nursing and PJ's and brushing teeth and stories, I grabbed the recipe and whipped up those brownies. I made a cup of tea and prepared to enjoy.


Yes, that slab there is a brownie. And as I just made myself eat it, I can assure you that not only does it look like cardboard dipped in chocolate, it tastes like it, too. Except I'm pretty sure cardboard has more texture. And now it lies there in the pan, sluggish and dense. Like some kind of brownie swamp creature. Ick. I should've known better! For starters, I am not exactly a whiz in the kitchen. Some of you will remember my valiant effort with an ill-fated pineapple upside-down cake. But this time, I don't think it was entirely me--I blame the recipe. I blame the Internet.

It reminds me of a time years ago when I was visiting my aunt Maggie in San Angelo, Texas. She was doing Weight Watchers, and instead of guacamole, made "mockamole". We tried it, and I remember both of us laughing hysterically in her kitchen as we attempted to force a few bites down. I think it was kind of a brownish color, wasn't it, Maggie? Anyway, not so good. Apparently, guacamole will not be mocked. Respect the avocado.

Any good low-calorie cookie or brownie recipes out there? You guys are pretty resourceful. Don't just think of it as helping me out, but as helping Becky out, too. She needs me fortified with low calorie chocolatey goodness. And I will not fail her.

P.S. Extra points if you can tell me where the title comes from!