You know the kind of magazine I mean. Pretty to look at, with good ideas for someone who is not...well, me. I would love to be that person! But, our house is decorated in a combo I like to call Ikea-garage sale-curbside scavenging. With a little kid smudge and lots of books thrown in for good measure.But anyway. At the front of the magazine is a calendar for the month. It's mostly blank for the reader to "plan your month", inserting the fab ideas you've seen in the magazine. They've also filled in some blanks for you. Like, "February 15th--Choose the seedlings you'll plant for spring". "February 23rd--Take a friend to an art gallery". "February 8th--Sort through your table linens and set aside ones that need cleaning or mending". "February 12th--Visit your local farmer's market for fresh seasonal veggies and prepare a delicious meal for friends and family."
Hee hee. I got kind of giddy reading this, 'cause I started thinking of what my calendar would say. Some of you are especially gifted in these types of areas--I'm sure you could teach me a thing or two. Or maybe you could just come to Sydney and get me all sorted out? Cause for me:Table linens? Not exactly, unless you mean the kind that rip off the roll. Let's take April, for example. Maybe it'd say something like this:
"April 7th: Realize that it's been nearly two weeks since you've cleaned the bathrooms and spray so much cleaner in the toilet that you start to cough from the fumes."
"April 11th: Having forgotten to wash Ava's school socks, spray some perfume on them and wave them around a bit, then put them on her feet. They're only a little bit stiff from earlier use!"
"April 16th: In preparation for your scripture class at the high school with 15 year old girls, throw chocolate at them and pray that they'll like you enough to listen for 20 minutes."
"April 18th: Round out a healthy, well-balanced meal for the children by adding a few puny carrot sticks to Nate's KFC chicken and chips."
"April 26th: In the midst of sermon preparation, eat a big bowl of cookies 'n cream ice cream, balancing it on your shelf-like stomach."
"April 28th: Lick your thumb and use it to rub a spot of the sliding glass door. My, how it sparkles!"
What are some highlights of your month? You're knitting or grinding your own flour as you read this, aren't you? I knew it! Well, I guess I better go tend to my, um, herb garden, then.
Don't feel bad, Amy. I did the dishes once last month. And I was proud of myself. Also, my shoes have mouth in the front, and I refuse to wear new ones. They're comfortable, dang it! For months I've been intending to fix them with superglue. But no. They still have mouths.
ReplyDeletehe he he! atleast you can 'remember' what you did! I'm always lost when people ask me on the weekend, so how was your week?
ReplyDelete"hmm...I'm pretty sure I did do something productive this week, I just can't seem to remember what it was":)
I had to laugh at the "sort through table linens" line! Let's see...May 5th: Check under daughter's bed to see if dust bunnies have grown big enough to actually force me drag the vacuum cleaner into her room.
ReplyDeleteOr as my friend calls them "dust hippopotami"
How about this one?
ReplyDeleteMay 1st: Realize that you forgot to by diapers the last time you made a mad dash to the store. Slip a Little Swimmer on the little guys bottom to get to work on time.
Thank you for this. Those calendar thingies were begging to be parodied! The ones in Martha Stewart Living are truly, truly hilariously awesome. "Wipe lightbulbs with a microfiber cloth." Or, "Store humidifiers, set up dehumidifiers." (Some people are never happy!)
ReplyDeleteI love your sliding glass door cleaner. We should write a housekeeping book called, _How to Clean Everything with That Babywipe You Happen To Be Holding_.
"Decide to prepare a fabulous gourmet spaghetti dinner for your husband. Make sure to move and pile gently as high as necessary the dirty dishes to make room for spaghetti pot. Prepare ice pack from frozen peas to place on temple from pots falling from high cabinet as you reach for the muffin tin for dessert. Burn blueberry muffins. Bleach out stain from white shirt now blessed with spaghetti sauce." And there you have my very glamorous previous hour of life. I'm glad I fulfilled all I set out to accomplish tonight! :)
ReplyDeleteSeriously, table linens? Who ARE these people?
ReplyDeleteDude, if I get out the door with both kids in less than 45 minutes just ONE TIME, it's been a successful month. Game over.
These are hilarious! Except--sorry, Julie, for the head injury. Yowza!
ReplyDeleteI love the diaper one--that is SO something I would do. And Ginny, I'd hate to disturb the science experiment taking place under Ava's bed, so I haven't vacuumed under there. I think she's working on a cure for swine flu or something.
I hear you Cassie! I became the Wicked Witch of the Southern Hemisphere trying to get the kids out the door for Ava's ballet lesson today.
May 6th: Finish washing the dishes from Easter dinner before in-laws arrive.
ReplyDeleteThat's what I love about having company. I all of the sudden get a month's worth of cleaning done in one day!
That was hilarious!
ReplyDeleteWe don't even bother with the perfume for the unwashed reused soccer socks.
I'm trying to hold out for a world record on how long I can go before I vacuum properly upstairs.
I think that calendar could be a fun monthly thing. At least we can laugh at ourselves.
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ReplyDeleteheeheehee. Kira is standing here saying, "Can I see? Can I see? :|" (that's the musical repeat sign, right?) because I laughed aloud at the glass-door cleaning -- and so she wants to "see" what's funny.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Those to-do lists always SLAY me. I do have an herb garden, but only because it doesn't require dusting with a microfiber cloth.