Monday, March 2, 2009

Guys in Skinny Jeans: Dudes, C'mon.

In the ancient Hebrew Scriptures, the prophet Jeremiah says the message God has given him to speak is like "a fire shut up in my bones". "I am weary of holding it in," he says, "Indeed, I cannot."

Dudes, I so feel his pain. I have been holding this in for awhile now, but much like that venerable prophet of old, I can withhold no longer. For the past several years, over countless trips to the mall and out and about, mine eyes have beheld images like this:

And I just have to say. At what point, in what universe, at what young-dude convention was it decided that this is a good look? For anyone? Cause I'm just sayin'--it ain't. I don't care if you're the Jonas Brothers or Ashlee Simpson's hubby what's-his-name, those tapered leg tight jeans are LAME. Okay? You look like a girl. And not a cute girl, either. And that thin white belt you're wearing with it isn't helping.

I recognize that their might be a generation gap here. After all, I am the ripe old age of 32. HOWEVER, I felt vindicated last week when I was getting my hair done, and the girls who worked in the salon (20 and 17, respectively) were complaining that their boyfriends liked to wear skinny jeans. "Nobody looks good in those things, especially guys," one of them said. "Yes!", cried my soul deep within me. I rose out of the hair washing basin, drips flying. "FOR REAL!", I exclaimed, "I have been thinking this for years." It was a true meeting of the minds. A cross-generational clasping of hands. We nearly burned our bras right there.

But we didn't. Cause that would be a bad idea. Much like guys wearing skinny jeans is a bad idea. It looks lame, it's kind of emasculating, and, with that kind of tightness, I worry for their future virility. I'm just saying.

If any skinny jean wearing dudes are reading this, please don't be offended. I say all this in love. If you won't change for yourself, do it for your children to come. And in the meantime, you'll make my trips to Target or McDonalds that much better.

--To my good friend Holly, whose 6 year old asked for a pair of skinny jeans, I'm not talking about him. But I might be in ten years' time.


  1. So true! I also think it's funny when young guys are wearing AC-DC or Metallica shirts. The guys in those bands are probably old enough to be their grandfathers! (maybe that's extreme, but old enough to be their fathers!)

  2. I stand in agreement with you! They are hidious!! They're kinda like speedos, NO BOY should wear these!! It just isn't right! I also get embarassed for the boy and turn away, and somtimes shield my children's eyes from the horror.

  3. although i'll have to admit that my own jeans have gotten skinnier since this all started, i realized that the trend had gone too far when i tried on a pair of skinny jeans for fun once and they were TOO TIGHT FOR ME! anyone who has ever seen my legs will find this hard to comprehend.

    at least these guys sag their jeans at the crotch and save us from a complete form fit.

  4. I had to shield my eyes from the guy in the 2nd photo. That is just wrong. I am not offended -- my 11 yr. old son wears skinny jeans. And skater shoes and skater t-shirts. And he can actually do skateboarder tricks. I prefer "regular" jeans like my other two sons prefer. I gotta pick my battles. He has longish hair but he is also the most respectful, sweet, adorable, straight A, popular student so I keep washing them for him to wear every week.

  5. Preach it, sistah! About ten years ago I was telling a friend that it was just wrong that he was buying woman's jeans (which he did to get that skinny fit). Let's put a scrunch sock over it and call it 1990 again!

  6. I'm laughing so hard at the guy in the second photo. Unlike the guy in the top one, you just don't expect this guy to be rocking those skinny brown (!) jeans. From the waist up, he looks like a totally regular dude who you would expect to be wearing the same Gap khakis three days in a row. But then, below the waist, the story changes. I am so confused!

    Of course, as you know, Matt is the polar opposite of those guys, and whenEVER I buy him a new pair of jeans, he complains that I'm trying to put him in a "new" cut that is "all fashiony." Like, yeah hon, Lands End is now taking men's jeans in a really edgy direction.

  7. Oh so funny. I agree with you completely, totally. Ick.

  8. Bwahhahhaha! Well most of the guys I went to high school wore them and their virility seems unaffected. That doesn't mean they were RIGHT, it just means there were no side effects.

    I really wish nobody had ever revived the 80s.

  9. Amy, you are so right-those pants are an abomination.
    Please tell me that second picture is photoshopped. Oh my.

    But. There is some train wreck quality about them that makes my infrequent trips to Walmart a little better. And I haven't much room to talk given my own teenage fashion choices. Second hand lime green nylons anyone? Yikes!

  10. That second picture makes-me-want-to-die. Seriously, hilarious.

    I will say that I, a girl, bought my first pair of skinny jeans a couple years after they became so fabulous. And I must admit that they do make me feel sooo wonderfully feminine. But the key word there is feminine. As in, only cute cause they go with girl curves, not boy-nonexistent-curves. Gah-ross!

  11. ah-ha! i found you, amy! though we haven't officially met yet, i have to confess, becky has filled me in enough that i feel i know you already...

    and -- AND! -- that i found your blog on the day you posted about the skinny-jeans means that we are, in fact, de facto BFFs.

    i'm with you on this. it's horrifying, it's infuriating, and it's so much fun to make fun of these d-bags! keep on keeping on!

    PS: Kate, I sort of feel like I know you too, and yes, revel in the skinny jean jeans, but keep on knowing we men probably shouldn't!

  12. You guys are funny! Yes, I admit that 2nd pic is a little more extreme than what I usually see, but I couldn't resist adding it!

    Michele--I hear you. Skinny jeans are a small trade for having a great kid! You are a smart mama.

    Beck--Matt is many things, but I don't think anyone could accuse him of being "fashiony", so tell him not to worry. Rocking the old man shades will cancel out any accidental trendiness, anyway.

    Kate--you skinny minnie, you can totally pull of skinny jeans. Not I! Trinny and Susannah would materialize to confront me if I ever put a pair on.

    David--hi and welcome!! I totally agree, we are BFFs already!

  13. The second picture, Mr. Brownpants, has changed my life. I can't stop clicking back to it. It's not just the brown tights, it's the modestly triumphant expression on his face, the shy pride in what he's found.

    It sounds from your post like this is widespread. Which continents has it reached? What is happening to us?

  14. Oh my goodness. The bloke in the second picture - he's hilarious!

  15. It's funny because you have an opinion and it became a fact.

    tons of people love them.

  16. Unless you're in an emo band, I don't think guys should wear skinny jeans. They just look silly.

  17. You'll never be the tightest!!! Funny movie about tight jeans =)

  18. You'll never be the tightest!!! Funny movie about tight jeans =)