Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Spamalot? I do.

Do you ever wonder how your life would be different if you read, believed, and acted upon all the emails in your Spam folder? The little elves that live inside my computer and run my email account automatically filter my email, but I always open my Spam folder to see what's in it before I dump it all. Cause sometimes the elves get it wrong, you see. I always get a wee kick out of the emails that are in there.

If I took them all to heart, just think what my life could be like.

--I could see dozens of free matches on eharmony.com and maybe meet my soulmate!

--Rachel Ray could tell me how to drink more goji juice.

--I could inject, implant, or insert silicone, collagen, Restylane and Lord-knows-what-else into various places.

--Because I've served my country, I could let it serve me, by sending me to college on the GI Bill.

--I could lose up to 3 lbs of stomach fat a week, all by following one simple rule.

--I could join the FBI, or alternatively, become a Crime Scene Investigator. (Cause we want our potential federal agents to be gullible enough to respond to a mass, spam email. What an effective recruitment tool!)

--I could accept a substantial inheritance left to me by someone I've never heard of, who died in a country I've never been to.

--I could get my Green Card and become an American citizen.

Oh, what might've been. We'll never really know, I guess. Have you checked your Spam folder lately?


  1. ROFL! No, that's one thing I haven't done and you're right, I've trusted the little elves too much in the past, who knows maybe that's why some of my friends don't talk to me anymore, maybe their emails have ended up in my spam folder and they think I've ignored them!

  2. You left out how big your penis would be, and how satisfied she'd be, if you would only consider their special offer.

  3. I'm a little disappointed that this post wasn't about all the ways you prepare SPAM, the potted meat product. ;)