A Plague Upon My House

Sometimes you don't know that you ought to have been thankful for something not happening until that something happens. Y'know?

Last week, Ava had conjunctivitis, otherwise known as pink eye. It was mildly annoying but cleared up in a day or so with some eye drops we got from our doctor. Then, Nate got it a few days later. Fine, eye drops--no worries.

Then Grace got it this past weekend. Couldn't use the eye drops on her, cause she's too itty bitty. So I just kept her eye clean and practiced a home cure. Warning: if you aren't comfortable talking about or reading about breast milk, you might wanna skip to the next paragraph. I'd read a few years ago that a good cure for pink eye in babies is to squirt some breast milk in their eye. Yes, I'm serious. Look, I saw it on a special thing that I like to call The Internet, which as you know, is the source of all knowledge. Besides God. But God made The Internet. Except for the bad parts--He wants me to tell you that He is not happy about those. Coincidentally, God also made breast milk. So, you see, breast milk and The Internet go hand-in-hand. With God.

So I used my little home cure with Grace, and it did the trick. She was pretty much cleared up by the next evening. But my friends, there is not enough breast milk in my, um, arsenal to deal with the raging case of pink eye that I got last night.

I've never had it before, so I didn't know what to expect. It was a little red and itchy last night, but by the time I woke up this morning, my eye was swollen up like a prizefighter's. It's sore, too. And gooey! Are you feeling sick yet? Why haven't I been thanking God all these years for not getting pink eye?

This is not a pretty sight. I considered posting a picture, but I unfortunately do have some vanity, and besides, this is a family blog. I don't want to scare any young children. But as we say in the South, right now my face'd back a buzzard off a tub of guts. And unfortunately I am not well-endowed or flexible enough to use the cure that was so effective with Grace.

I'm heading to the doctor in about half an hour, where I will ask her for some nuclear-powered eye drops. I think I will pretend to be Paris Hilton and wear my sunglasses inside. Then I will come home and douse our entire home in hand sanitizing gel.