Thursday, February 9, 2012

Decisions, decisions.

Well, first let me say: Wow. You guys are awesome. I'm feeling so loved up over here, I don't even know what to do. Thank you so much for your sweet words. No, really. Thank you. And to those of you who delurked to say hello, that really means a lot to me.

I'll tell you what, guys. Every one of you go down to the end of your driveway and wait by the mailbox. I'm buying everybody a puppy! You get a puppy! You get a puppy! And you--you get a puppy! Puppies for the Internet--on me! Yay!

Well before I get carried away, I'll fill y'all in on our appointment with the surgeon yesterday. Yesterday morning was hectic: we were supposed to be there just before 9, and had to get Ava and Nate ready for school and deposited at a friend's house before that. Another good friend came over to watch Grace, which was wonderful. But as we left the house, I realized we'd be stuck in before-school traffic. Under normal circumstances, I don't like being late. In this instance, I was clawing at the windshield at the thought of being late. I felt like I was on the way to take a final exam--I was going over in my head the questions I wanted to ask, I was wondering what the surgeon would think of my case, I was worried that I wouldn't have everything I needed. It reminded me of the feeling I used to get--racing across campus to face a test that would decide my fate in a particular course.

Dramatic much? Anyway, whatever--we got there. And as worried as I was about being late, we ended up having to wait because the clinic hadn't faxed the pathology report from the biopsies yet. So when we got in to meet the doctor, he sat for awhile and read my report. That was kind of funny, just sitting there while he did that. I wondered if I could just pull out my phone and check my text messages--I could hear my phone vibrating in my purse. But I decided maybe that was a breach of etiquette?

Obviously, I had a lot of emotional investment in this appointment and its outcome. I realized as I was sitting there, that I was trying to think of ways to make sure the surgeon liked us. Without consciously deciding this, I somehow thought that it would be better to "stand out" somehow. It's like I thought that if I could appear smart enough, or charming, or young-and-full-of-life enough, that it would make him do a better job with my case? Like, I thought I should be all, "I'm not like those other, boring patients! I'm smart, yet vivacious! Cure me!"

Oy, that's embarrassing to admit. But, as I thought about it--I had waited for days to hear from this doctor and see what he was going to recommend for me. And most scenarios where you are really feeling dependent on another person's opinion of you are ones in which your performance matters. A job interview or a date or a sales presentation. Ha--even a sermon, to a degree! And so I think my brain was just transferring those same kind of instincts--wanting to posture myself in a certain way, wanting to make a good impression--to this situation, too. But don't worry--all of this whipped through my head as we sat quietly while he read my pathology report. So I didn't do a tap dance routine or anything. But still, I think he would've really enjoyed the monologue from Rebecca that I did in the 11th grade...

So, after asking me a few basic questions--general health stuff--he did a physical exam. I am already so used to whipping my shirt off for all these folks, and I'm only a week in. "Hi, nice to meet you--did you need to see my boob?" It's becoming a habit. The other day, I nearly reached up to unhook my bra when the guy at the deli counter asked if he could help me. Maybe you can, Dennis. Do you have any background in mammography?

After that, we had the discussion I'd been waiting to have. Would I need a mastectomy or would a lumpectomy be an option? He said, given what he'd seen on the films, the physical exam, and the biopsies, that it was our choice. I could opt to have a lumpectomy with radiation treatments afterward, or a mastectomy with no radiation treatments. Either way I might end up needing chemotherapy--we won't know until after the surgery when they look at my lymph nodes. He told us that chances of cancer returning elsewhere are the same with either option. We talked for awhile, he took us through the details of each procedure, we asked questions about sentinel nodes and surgical margins and axillary dissection. (I'm learning a lot already.) I asked about breast reconstruction (if I opted for the mastectomy) and its effect on treatment. It was a lot of information in a short amount of time. And then he basically left it up to us: I'm a good candidate for a lumpectomy (AKA breast conservation), but I might prefer a mastectomy if I want to avoid radiation treatments, or if I'm worried that the cancer would return in that breast. (A very slight chance, but a chance all the same.)

So, we told him we'd talk about it and get back to him. He told us to be sure to call if we had any questions. Jason and I left the office and went to a cafe next door and sent a flurry of text messages to our families. After thinking that I was going to be told a mastectomy was the only viable option, this was actually good news. Or, it feels that way to us. It's funny how your definition of "good news" can change in so short a time.

We spent the rest of the day talking through our options with each other and our families. I sent 8700 text messages to friends. I took a nap. By the end of the day, we were pretty well settled on the lumpectomy option. This morning, though, I got anxious again. Was I missing something? I worried that maybe it was better to just have the mastectomy. I read all these obscure oncological journal articles online and talked to my parents and sister. Inwardly I was freaking out a little. I think it was mostly the pressure of the last 6 days coming out. The reality of no guarantees, no absolutes.

I called and talked to the doctor again. Then we decided to stick with our decision. And just like that, surgery scheduled for next Friday. Two weeks and one day after this whole thing began, I'll have the lumpectomy. What a blur.

It's funny...I feel insecure posting this, a little. I guess it's because I know others have made different choices for themselves--friends I know that have chosen mastectomies over conservation. Part of me feels like I'll be called to defend my choice, even though I know I won't. And even if I was asked to defend it, I wouldn't. I'm just projecting my own anxiety, I guess. I think it's just that there's inherent insecurity in a decision where you can't guarantee the outcome. And that makes me uncomfortable.

But I think I'll just have to get used to not knowing what's going to happen. At any rate, I'm feeling good right now. I'm optimistic. My stomach butterflies have mostly gone away, for now. And it feels good to have a date for the surgery.

And that's where we are right now. Thanks again, everyone.



47 comments:

  1. The entire Rowland Family supports you guys!! We love you so much. Our family is praying for "Ava from Australia's Mamma" to beat this boob cancer so bad that it never ever comes back for more!! xoxoxo

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    1. Wow--support from your WHOLE family is no small thing. Thanks , Jane. Wish you were here!

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  2. Being told you have options and an active choice in next steps is great news. I support you too! Your words really captured your feelings which is so helpful for many. I wish you well this week!

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  3. Amy you're are so funny! I know exactly what you're feeling and thinking because you're thought process reminds me of mine! I literally dissect decisions until the carcass has been picked clean and then I'll start over from the beginning. Anywhoo, God will leave me to my own thoughts until I finally surrender them to Him. I'm praying that you will sense his peace during this time. You have made an informed decision based on your research, questions, and others' opinions and experience. Trust your decision. Thank you for being so transparent with your emotions. We continue to pray for you each day! Feel the love.

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    1. I do, I do! Thanks, Kathy. Yes, I've felt a lot better since I just made the decision.

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  4. I am sure throughout this process you'll get lots of advice and have people second-guess your decisions and ask if you've considered the health benefits of tea made from unicorn poop and blueberries, but I hope you can continually feel confident that you're making the right decisions FOR YOU. Sending prayers from Texas--

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    1. Thanks so much, lar! But unicorn poop is so high in antioxidants! You're right, we are already getting that. I appreciate the info people have been sending us, but I'm actually filing it away to read later. I can't focus yet on what happens after surgery--as far as lifestyle changes or complementary treatments. It just feels like too much! But Jason has been reading some, and I told him I'll let him know when I'm ready to go there. :)

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  5. Yes, your case is your case and it's different from others' decisions. I (as you know) am thrilled that lumpectomy was an option for you. It really, really cheered me up to hear that.

    Now, you did a monologue from Rebecca in 11th grade?!? What part? Was it a Mrs. Danvers speech?

    Tell!

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    1. Yes it WAS a Mrs Danvers speech. That lady was FULL of crazy! And so creepy.

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  6. Amy, this post is beautiful. You are so wonderful to share all these feelings and vulnerabilities with so many people who might be going through the same things. And bravo to you for being so insightful about your own feelings. Amazing.

    Now, GAH, why is it that you and your sister get all the wit on the interwebs? You two make me smile all the time, right in the middle of cancer. If I had been drinking something, I would've done a major spittake at the deli counter guy part.

    I would've totally started playing Scramble With Friends while he was reading my pathology report.

    In the spirit of sharing, when my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer at 25, they scheduled his surgery for the next day. That was an evening filled with calling just about every person who had even the slightest tangential link with the medical field in an effort to get some kind of information. It's crazy!

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    1. I cannot IMAGINE having a day to process that. Yet, I know people get even less than that! I told Jase last week--people have sat in doctor's offices and gotten much, much worse news than what we are dealing with. So glad Steve is doing great now!

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  7. I am so glad that you have made your choice, set a date for surgery, and get to start looking and working forward toward healing! Sending you all the support in the world on your decision, and lots of positive wishes and prayers for good lymph node news next week.

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    1. Thanks, girl. That's my big prayer right now, too!

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  8. I am so glad that you have made your choice, set a date for surgery, and get to start looking and working forward toward healing! Sending you all the support in the world on your decision, and lots of positive wishes and prayers for good lymph node news next week.

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  9. Hey, I stood by the mailbox all day waiting for my puppy. I finally gave up. You made me laugh out loud in this post. You are a natural wit and describe the human experience so well. I have totally been where you were, hoping to stand out in a doctor's estimation, I guess so as to be more worthy of his best effort. You captured that internal dialogue perfectly. Now, I expect to hear that monologue from "Rebecca" when I see you. I have no doubt that you remember it from eleventh grade. " Last night I dreamed I went to Manderly."

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    1. I don't remember it! But I know where it is in the book, perhaps I could arrange a special performance. Sorry about the puppy--I think maybe I sent it to the mountains! Oh no, I hope someone takes him in.

      And yes, I don't know why I feel like I was auditioning for something...so silly.

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  10. OMG, THANKS for the puppy! Female, small breed for me, please. Oh, and hypoallergenic, so I don't have to kick the 8yo out of the house. I can't WAIT to meet her!

    Lumpectomy? Definitely good news. I'm ecstatic for you that you were given a choice. Your choice is right for you. I hope you never feel the need to explain it.

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    1. Thanks so much, Aimee! Yeah, I think the whole need to justify thing comes along with my personality. Not that others don't deal with it too, it's just that I'm so dang eager to please. LIKE A PUPPY, in fact! ;)

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  11. No fair - I didn't find a puppy.

    And congrats on making a decision - any decision. I think that would have killed me right there.

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    1. LOL! Yeah, well, I've feel like I've aged a bit, that's for sure!

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  12. Amy! Amy! This is happy news. Love and prayers continue.

    I await the puppy. I will take him to your parents' mountain house where we will wait to play with you. :) little Moke will come too. Great times will be had by humans and puppies alike! Your brilliance in these matters is unparalleled.

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  13. I need another dog like I need a fracking hole in the head. But thanks anyway ;) we love you hot stuff. Symetrical boobs or not

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    1. Oh yeah, I'll still work it--don't worry! ;) Love you too!

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  14. Came back in to say, reading your text again about not having enough stomach fat for reconstruction made me remember one of our early meetings with the plastic surgeon. She went through different options, like implant, the tummy method, some kind of back fat option, and then she said they could also take part of my butt and make a boob out of it. Matt, who had been quiet most of this time, was like, "Oh God noooo!" LOLZ.

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    1. I was gonna make a "cut off your boob to spite your butt" joke, but it just didn't feel right.

      Oops. I think I just did.

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  15. Hey. What a crazy ride of information, emotions, and decisions. I admire your strength and I'm glad that you feel ok having made the decision, and that you're feeling optimistic. I am too, for you. And with lots of love. :) Will be thinking and praying all good things for you for next week. xo

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    1. It has been, actually! The last 2-3 days have felt a lot better, though. Thanks for thinking of me in the midst of you getting settled there! Wish I could just escape from this thing and come hang in Seattle with you! We could sit at coffee shops and make fun of the hipsters!! Oh well, another time... ;)

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    2. That would be awesome. I'll find a perfect cafe for you to drink tea at! ;)

      Joy starts school on Mon...I'm a bit nervous, but I'm trying not to show it!! Will let you know how we go...might be some fun distracting stories!

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  16. Careful with those puppies! http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/these-puppies-arent-my-fault/ I don't know why I'm surprised that the lumpectomy will happen so quickly, but that seems like good news. When I was in high school, my pastor's wife was diagnosed with breast cancer (she did the youth group, and a really important person in my life at the time) and had a mastectomy. Afterwards she showed me her journal, in which she basically walked through the Psalms of Lament and illustrated/watercolored all of them. And she did some self portraits. It was one of the most powerful things I've ever seen.
    Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

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    1. Hilarious post! I love the Bloggess! Thanks for reading. :)

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  17. Dang Amy. I just really don't know what to say. The only reason I'm saying anything is because I care and we're praying for you. But one thing to think about here... Yes, there's a small chance the cancer could come back after all this, but there's ALSO a small chance all that radiation could give you superpowers. That would make it all worth it, don't you think? It will help if you bring something weird into the therapy with you, like a piece of a meteor or an ancient relic or something. Consider it.

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    1. Well, I thought I'd considered this from all angles, but you've given me something to think about! I'll have to hunt down some Mayan artifacts on eBay. Or, wait! There's always that old, mysterious board game that's been in the attic for 50 years. Maybe I'll take that! ;)

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  18. Solid, the issue of giving Amy ADDITIONAL superpowers is whether she will always use them for good. Have you ever been around her when she was hungry? Risky business.

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    1. Moms need all the superpowers they can get. :)

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    2. I have to agree with Camp Papa on this one usually it would be used for good but when she is hungry...

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  19. I am THRILLED that you have this option! And I absolutely trust that you will make the correct decision. Absolutely.

    Dang it, I'm trying to figure out when I need to start the praying during the operation and I'm confused about this CA/AU time change thing. Is today tomorrow or is today yesterday?

    I am SOOO excited about my puppy. I'm going to go stand by the curb and wait right now.

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  20. I think it is about time I chime in. I usually only comment about once a year but I think for this occasion I will make an exception. Let me start by saying I married the most amazing woman (thats Amy :)). This news has been a huge shock but she has taken it in stride and has stayed incredibly positive, not just here on the blog but in private as well. She is a woman of great inner strength and great faith. Even in the midst of one of here most difficult times she can make us all laugh and continue to confort other friends who are in need.

    Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words, for your ongoing support and for your prayers, we can truly feel them. Even though we have some difficult days ahead we have so much hope for the future. We also have so much as a family to be thankful for. For all of you Amy's blogger friends where we find continual confort, support, love and laughter. For our family and friends around the world whom we draw great strength from and love dearly, for the community of faith we are a part of here in Sydney that has gathered around us, for the Australian medical system (amazing), and most of all for our God who loves us and is guiding our steps!

    Please know we are thankful for each of you!

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  21. Great news, Amy, and a great decision.

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  22. You have a DATE for the surgery?! It's the deli guy, isn't it? And Jason is ok with this?

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  23. Well they DID ask if there was someone to drive me home!

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  24. If you have to have breast cancer, you would do well to be married to one of my sons-in-law. It is of huge comfort to a father for his daughters to be married to such men.

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  25. So, I was lurking in my reader on your and Becky's blogs, and could hardly believe my eyes. I'm praying for clean margins and all negative lymph nodes for you. Don't second guess your decision (and I know you're not)...only you can make the right decision for you!

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    1. Thank you, Ginny!! That's our prayer, too. I've thought of you this week, and what you've overcome. Xo

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  26. For quite a while I've known that I second-guess my instincts at my own peril. I'm sure it's the same with you.

    My thoughts are with you during this week and during all the nonsense that will follow. May the force be with you and yours ;-)

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